Boxed In

The idea popped into Her head while discussing the struggles of finding new home insurance with Her husband.

“I don’t know what the park is going to do if we don’t find insurance soon,” He said, visibly defeated by the events of the past 6 years that led to that moment.

“Well, we could move in with your parents,” she suggested, trying to keep a positive outlook on the ever stressful situation. “Deirdre would love it, seeing your mom and aunt every day. They have two spare bedrooms and a basement.”

“That would be so embarrassing,” He groaned.

“A lot of people our age are moving back home. This isn’t 90s. Nobody in our situation can really afford truly independence anymore.”

He set his jaw and looked around the cluttered, ramshackle trailer.  “My dad would probably only charge us about $500 for rent,” He said, a hint of hope in his voice.

“We could start saving up money,” She added. “The worst would be having to listen to his political rants every day and your mom making me cook every night.”

She turned Her head to see a slender black cat jump onto the kitchen table beside Her. She reached over to stroke the mighty house panther on its cheek, startling it before it pressed its head into Her hand for more affection.

A thought suddenly hit Her, and She dropped Her head to the table in defeat. “Your mom would make us get rid of the cats,” She whispered. “The moment one of them claws the couch or if Mimi pees on something she shouldn’t, they’d have to go.”

She looked over at the tubby tortie sitting on the couch. Mimi had a tendency to piss on soft things left on the ground. Clothes, blankets, reusable grocery bags, even paper and plushies. It was a nuisance and at times brought Her to tears, but Mimi was Her soul cat, and She could never bring Herself to get rid of her for any reason. Besides, it was a good lesson in consequences and keeping a clean floor. The black cat, Boba, was the first cat that was truly Hers, and although Boba didn’t seem to particularly like Her, She still couldn’t just rehome her.

Her attention turned to Merry, the grumpy, sometimes downright mean old brindle dog She’d had for nearly 15 years. She was reaching the end of her life, and peed everywhere inside the house as her geriatric bladder started to give out. Merry hated other dogs, particularly large dogs like Her in-law’s black lab. Merry tolerated Boba and hated Mimi, and there was no telling how she’d interact with the in-laws’ cats. On top of that, everything set that dog off into barking fits that few people could tolerate. And just like with the cats, She refused to get rid of Her beloved angry old rescue dog.

“I’m not getting rid of my animals for any reason. I’d rather be homeless.”

An while later, another thought entered Her mind. She had seen two story sheds for sale online that looked like really houses. Some of them were the same size as the antique bungalows in Her father’s old neighborhood. It would be a tight squeeze, but it would be doable.

“Do you think they’d let us put one in their backyard?” She asked Him. “It would be a temporary building. We could move it after we find a place of our own.”

“Even if they did, I’m not sure how their civic association would feel about it,” He replied. In the past, He said the neighborhood’s civic association was a lot more lenient than a regular HOA, but putting a temporary house or an oversized shed on the property might be pushing their neighborly hospitality.

The simplest solution to their problem would have happened three and a half years prior, when the insurance company dropped them for non-payment. They should have started looking for insurance immediately, but the unfortunate series of events that led to the non-payment prevented them from finding new insurance. The park didn’t ask for proof of insurance in that time, and as a result, they put it on the back burner until they did.

They knew, when it all came down to it, that the situation was entirely their fault and responsibility, and the two insurance brokers who started looking for new insurance for them could only do so much.

He leaned against the counter and hung His head in defeat.

“Stressed?” She asked.

“Overwhelmed,” He sighed. “There’s so much shit we need to get done. Deep clean, get rid of shit, I need to practice before the next show.”

She stood up and hugged him. “You go practice. I’ll take care this.”

“But-“

“Go. Practice.”

Eventually, He relented and slinked away to the cramped spare room where He kept His instruments and computer and Her walking pad.

She made her way to the bedroom, intent on sorting the mountain of clothes that spilled out of the plastic drawers in the closet and onto the floor. She didn’t know what was clean and what was dirty anymore, and those flimsy plastic drawers had become Her worst enemy. They had been a good idea before they had a child. They fit nicely into the small walk-in closet. But they hadn’t held up well over the years, and they didn’t fit nearly as many clothes as She thought they would have.

Miraculously, Mimi hadn’t pissed on anything in the room in a couple of years. There was plenty there to piss on, but these days, Mimi seemed to target things that fell on the living room floor.

She sat on the bed and stared at the squalid bedroom. This was one generational curse She couldn’t break no matter what She did. It would take intense therapy and zombifying medications just to slap a bandaid on that defect, and She couldn’t afford either of those options.

Visions of two story sheds danced around Her burdened mind. She had seen one that looked like a miniature version of an abandoned farmhouse She and Her father had explored in Her youth. Another shed looked like the barn that sat behind it. She imagined their layouts and utilized Her years of experience building houses in The Sims to maximize the minimal space in each shed.

The mini farmhouse would have been the ideal option, with space to build additional rooms as time went on and their family (hopefully) grew. But the mini barn was idyllic. She saw a small plot of land with a little red and white barn style shed. A veggie garden took up half of the yard. A patio with enough seating for all of Her friends took up another portion. The rest was a yard of clover for the children to play in.

Realistically, She knew that they’d eventually get the insurance settled. They’d remain in the trailer park with the owners and managers breathing down their necks for the foreseeable future. The threat of eviction for the smallest infraction ever looming over their heads and the price of lot rent jumping by a hundred dollars every year until they can no longer afford it. 

And somehow, the idea of staying there felt worse.

New Year, Same Overthinking

A few days ago, I checked my bank account to see that WordPress had taken out its yearly dues. And at first I had considered asking for a refund and going back to a basic account, but I remembered my plans for this blog. I was going to keep up with it and make money with it and showcase my art writing on it. And some delusional part of my brain keeps thinking I can do it. So here I am, once again writing something out of obligation and not because I want to.

Earlier last year I unpublished most of the entries I had posted here because I felt like I was too vulnerable with a handful of strangers I will probably never meet. But all I want to do right now is bitch about myself and my life, knowing that no one of importance to my life will ever see it. I used to fear my friends and family finding my old Reddit accounts where I bitched about everything, including my mental health. But recently I realized that none of them care. Nobody’s looking me up on Google or reading my stories. My art gets a quick glance and an “oh, neat!” if or when I draw. And the chances of me ever getting famous or at least known are slim to none, so I might as well just put my feelings out there, at least this one time, before bottling them up and sealing them away.

I used to be the queen of overthinking. I actually believe overthinking was part of how I managed to be so creative when I was younger. But it was a double-edged sword. Overthinking a story meant more details and a clearer plot. Overthinking my life meant ruining relationships, spikes in anxiety, lost opportunities, etc.

Eventually, I managed to push it all aside. Instead of overthinking, I learned to disassociate. In a way, this did me some good. It also causes me a lot of harm. My creativity took a nosedive. I started to second-guess things, from my ability to draw to everyday things like cleaning and caring for myself. I often find myself stuck in this state of paralysis where I can’t do anything except sit and stare at the clock in between doing the bare minimum to keep my child, my animals, and myself alive.

You need to draw, I hear myself say. But I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up.

Then you need to write. Nobody’s going to read it. How many times have I asked friends and family to read just one chapter, and they couldn’t be bothered?

Well then, get up and clean. I can’t move, and I don’t know why.

Go outside. I don’t want people to see me.

Talk to someone. I’m a burden, and nobody really likes me. I can see it in their eyes any time I open my mouth.

Oh. I guess that is overthinking, isn’t it? It never really went away, did it? I just found a way to quiet it down. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but my brain is much quieter than it used to be, and I’m afraid that very soon, I’ll never be able to create something ever again.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid that nobody actually loves me, that my daughter will grow up to hate me, that I’ll end up alone, that I’m a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad person, that my friends all talk about me behind my back, that I’m becoming just as miserable, spiteful, and clueless as my parents, and that I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes because of it.

If you got this far, I’m so sorry you had to read all that. There is no point to this blog entry except to vent. I don’t think I’ll do this again, at least not under my real name. My next post will be about something I make or do or see.

Friday Morning Word Vomit

It’s funny how, by the time the air starts to chill and the leaves start to fall, I completely forget how badly autumn and winter terrorize my struggling immune system. I always seem to forget the perpetual cold or flu that keeps me down about 80% of the season, remembering instead only the happy parts of the colder months. The hot drinks and warm sweaters, cuddling my husband in front of a fire, holidays, festivals, and markets. Then the first cold hits, and I have to break out my nebulizer because Covid ravaged my once healing lungs and I won’t survive the winter without my albuterol.

I think I’ll be lucky if I see 65 the way things are going.

I got a new job. Part-time. I don’t like it. Yes, it’s true, I don’t like to work. Or, at least, I don’t like to work the jobs society deems appropriate for someone like me. Lately I’ve been focusing more on my writing, and that’s how I want to make my living. I have this fantasy where my husband’s band gets signed, gets big, and I can spend my days raising my child and doing creative things in relative comfort.

It feels wrong to dream about it, mainly because I know that it’s not realistic or statistically likely to happen. Out of the millions of creatives around the world, what gives me the right to think I can make it? Sure, I could have a solid 15 minutes, after which I’d fade back into obscurity, back to retail, back to being chronically sick every winter because my body can’t handle constant human interaction like a normal body can.

I think what bothers me the most about that fantasy is that it feels like it has too much in common with the American individualist fantasy that paints the common blue-collar worker as a temporarily inconvenienced billionaire. If he just works harder, he can join that big club. He’s really one of them, you know. That’s why he doesn’t care about the homeless or the immigrant or the starving child. Their existence only drags him down.

I don’t have that mindset, but having my own fantasy about pulling my family out of poverty almost feels like a betrayal to others like me. Any time I find myself scheming up ways to get my daughter into the best school in the state because I want her to be safe and well educated, I recoil, disgusted with myself for even considering mingling with that lifestyle.

Lately, I’ve been feeling more confident. I’ve gotten it in my mind that maybe I can get all my stories done and published. I could make connections. I’ve found it mind-bogglingly easy to talk to certain people, something I’ve never been able to do before. I prefer friendships over career connections, but I know that’s how the world works, as much as I hate it.

Sometimes I think I’m dying, and I’m terrified I’ll die before I get any of my stories finished. I think about sitting down one day and writing out detailed plots and character sheets, just in case I croak. My family can pull a V.C. Andrews and live comfortably on whatever a ghostwriter pumps out. I’ve been posting finished (albeit rough and unedited) chapters of various stories on my VampFreaks (not, not VampireFreaks) blog before I post/publish them elsewhere. Just in case.

Anyway, I have to get ready for work. Another thing I forget I hate about this season is the emphasis on capitalism. The busier the closer the holidays get, the ruder the customers get. And when you work a retail job that involves big spenders, you’re further reminded why you hate the wealthy.

Eat the rich, y’all.

I put this in my drafts and forgot to publish it. It’s now Monday morning. 🤘🏻🤦🏻‍♀️